I have been on the road for 8 months. This is my first blog. I know, I have a lot to catch you up on. The rest of my blogs will be shorter, don’t worry. But if you have 9 minutes, here goes…
A little over a year ago, I ended an 11 year relationship. I have done many hard things in life, but this was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. It was painful and has continued to be for a long time. He was my best friend, my boyfriend and my business partner. We own a cocktail bar together that we ferociously built from the ground up. Like ants slowly moving mountains one grain of sand at a time, we broke our backs, but we created something beautiful. We fought the testaments and for that, everyone, including us thought we stood the test of time.
I put my entire soul and being into us and our business. To a point, that I neglected myself and my goals. But goals change, evolve and I knew I would never let go of my dreams. Anyway, I knew that this decision was going to come with a lot of complications, but in the end, I felt it was the best decision for both of us. We tried for such a long time to make things different and better, but we just couldn’t make the connection. I didn’t end it because I didn’t love him. I guess in a way, I ended it because I did. And because I love me too. I felt that we both deserved more.
It’s been tough this past year…really tough. At times, very liberating and exuberant and at others, very lonely and debilitating. I didn’t just lose a boyfriend, I lost a best friend. The person I was used to texting, calling or running through the front door with excitement for 11 years every time something great or bad happened. We fought in the trenches together. We celebrated our wins and our losses. But through it all, I knew it was the right decision. We ended our romantic relationship on good, but sad terms and have managed to maintain our friendship and our business partnership very well. As I said, we fought together in battle, so we should have this.
He has moved on now and is in an almost 8 month relationship. This has also been new terrain to navigate and new emotions to feel. I wanted all of us to be a great big, happy, forward thinking family. I quickly learned that wanting that and actually seeing your ex put his hand on another woman’s thigh can be a hard pill to swallow, no matter how it ended or how great she is, and she is great. Best to give it some more time... Time, ha. That fun microcosm that many of us want to pause, rewind or fast forward, that we have no control over and that always demands our patience. But time however, always wins.
This may seem very personal to put into a blog, but it is largely the person I am and what I have been going through this past year. It’s not only what happened in my life but also what has put me on this path. This has played an important role and in many ways shaped me into a new being. As we are all shaped every day, with new circumstances. I feel it’s necessary to share these things. Not only because it helps to give people a better understanding (not that that is necessary), but also because I have met others going through similar situations over the past year and sharing our stories with each other seems to help us all heal. So this is also for you, reading this right now. You are not alone. Whether a relationship, a job, career, life choice or nagging feeling that there is something more for you out there, you are not alone and you are worthy of your desires. Do not give up whatever you do.
During this transition, I began “van life” research. I joined groups on Facebook, watched conversions, read firsthand experiences of those going through their van life journey and picked the brains of all the guys on the movie crews I work with about their builds. I began to gather tips and tricks of van life, conversion companies, parts I would need, placement for those items, etc.. I test drove Dodge, Ford, and finally the Mercedes. When I drove the Mercedes Sprinter for the first time, I’m pretty sure I had zero poker face. It drove like butter. I was sold.
I decided on “van life” for several reasons. I needed a car and I needed a place to live. As a photographer, my passion is to explore, see and interpret with my lens. Working in the movie industry, I have watched many crew members not return home for months, even up to a year at a time…myself included. I didn’t want to move into a house that would wind up sitting empty while I was away.
My original plan was to start converting my van in July when I returned from a three month photography trip abroad, to launch my new company (now on hold for a later date). I was all set – to India for Yoga school and photography; South Africa to photograph a Cheetah being released into the wild by the Endangered Wildlife Trust, a conservation group, alongside The Smithsonian; and finally to France for photography, exploration, and to catch my breath over what the past year presented. As we were wrapping up a movie in Alabama, Covid reared its ugly head…the week before I was going to leave. My flight and trip were canceled. I was staying at an Airbnb while working on the movie and was now left trying to sort out where to go from there. “Well, I have this van,” was my first thought.
Then I started not feeling well…. I tested positive for Covid. Thirty-two days of self-isolation later, I was glad to be at an Airbnb stateside and not away in India (don’t worry, the hosts were aware). But now, I was ready to go anywhere! Out of those walls! When my negative result came back, I donated plasma and started packing! I was feeling a little more liberated than most about travelling…since I already had and recovered from the virus. I set rubber to pavement with my two dogs, Jack and Bokkie (you can follow their retirement adventures on Instagram @ourinnerwoof). We headed straight to San Francisco to see my friends who were getting deployed soon. Driving across country during Covid was an experience. Most things were closed all together or closed early. Campgrounds were shut down. Gas stations closed at dusk. I stayed in the van at Walmart parking lots along the way as that was pretty much the only option. Once I made it to San Francisco, it was time to put the van plan into action. My friend’s husband works on helicopters as an electrician so he helped me get started on the electrical wiring and insulation.
From San Francisco, I headed into wine country. I drove through Napa, Sonoma and Healdsburg. I made my way to Humboldt to visit some friends and through the unbelievable Avenue of the Giants. I couldn’t believe the massive soul and presence those trees seem to have! I adventured next to Jedediah State park. Those redwoods really are magical. The oldest trees in the world and they have survived through centuries of natural and human disasters. It felt like we were old souls reconnecting. They did something to me. While I was in the park, I met someone at the campsite across from me and we became fast friends within minutes, almost like we had set out to meet there. They were also mourning the loss of a relationship and having a similar time. We stayed up late into the night around the campfire discussing life's trials and wonders…all the while the trees listening in the background and probably patting themselves on the trunks for uniting us during our time of need. That day for us both especially.
I could’ve stayed in that park forever…but I knew there was more ahead. I drove to Crater Lake and then to Bend, Oregon where a time warp sucked me into staying for two weeks. Bend to Mt. Bachelor to Newberry Volcano – I was in heaven! I made my way up to the peak of Paulina at Newberry and through the powerful Obsidian Lava flow. From the moment I stepped onto the ground of the Obsidian Lava flow until the time I left, I unexpectedly out of nowhere started crying like a baby the entire time. So afterward, I looked it up and I learned that obsidian is a mental and emotional block remover. Believe it or not, many gems and geodes are believed to have healing properties…I am now a believer. I wanted to stay awhile but I couldn’t control myself. Perhaps I should have stayed there another week.
I was now making my way to Portland to a conversion shop, Roost Vans. I stopped at Smith Rock and the Painted Hills on the way. It blows my mind how the Painted Hills came to be and have remained for so long. I stayed in Portland for 45 days at a hotel while the crew worked on my van to install electrical, plumbing, solar, cabinets, the works. I still have a little more work to do that I can do myself, like flooring and wall paneling.
As I write this, I am in the North Cascades National Park. It has been raining nonstop for three days in the cascades with more to come. I am welcoming it. I am one of a few here in the campground. Its quiet, dark and the rain fall on my metal roof is hypnotizing. Since I have been out west, I haven’t had a day of rain and this Alabama girl misses it. I have a lot of photography editing to catch up on and a good bit of writing, this blog entry for one. The weather seems complimentary as I reflect on my journey. Not to mention the wildfires need it.
I have been on the road for 8 months now. It’s hard to believe. Time has flown. I am disappointed it took me this long to get this blog going, but also, I am going to give myself a break. I have had so much “to do” for so long, I am simply burned out. I have been burned out for a few years. My body began to respond physically and I have been forced to listen. I have been nurturing three careers for over a decade. I need to just be and reflect a bit. As my friend KD says, “If you don’t deal with it, it will deal with you.” I have been writing a lot on my own. But now I am ready to share it with you. For you and for me.
So, people always ask… Yes, I am doing my part of the cocktail business back home from the van, keeping my camera busy, and working on my book. Many people back home in Alabama didn’t understand what I was doing when I bought the van. Out west, I am a dime a dozen. There are van lifers everywhere and I have enjoyed all of the people I have met along the way. Every day, I enjoy this new tribe and the new adventures waiting around the corner. Pulling up into a parking lot of 20 vans is nothing new. I am also now a member of the group Solo Female Van Lifers with over 1,800 members. I’m pretty proud of us for that.
It’s been interesting for all of this to happen alongside Covid. Travelling and meeting people is different than before. Most people are in their own social distancing groups and with so many things fully or partially closed, it has been harder to meet new people. I’m lucky to have friends who live along the way. It’s been a welcomed treasure to stop in, get hugs, and share a glass of wine and conversation. But, I definitely see the gap closing in back to a place where we will all be happier.
A lot of people are lonely. We need to take care of each other. Smile at each other more, say hello more, ask how someone is coping and stop to listen to them when they talk. We are all going through trying times with or without Covid. Covid just brings up a different aspect altogether. These times are creating an evolution in all of us, as a whole and as individuals. It is our duty to respond to it with grace and compassion. As the Hebrew saying goes, “Tikkun Olam.” We are the repairers of the light. We are responsible for putting the world back together. It is our task.
I am out here on the road ready to explore, witness and photograph the compelling beauty of nature, but also to heal through it. It is my hope that my story and images will inspire others to get out and see the world, to observe the power of our earth and how important it is that we protect it. It is also my wish to inspire you to believe in yourself. You CAN create what you want for yourself. Whenever you are ready. No dream is too big. It is never too late. You are beautiful, worthy and capable.
