When I started van life I had a plan. Several months on the road and my route was mapped out. Several months in, I met people that invited me into their lives, my plans changed, my stays extended, my route adapted and keeping my heart and schedule open has become my new way of life, which in turn has created a space of love, balance and freedom within myself.
Last week, a friend and I went surfing in Santa Cruz at Steamer Lane. Steamer Lane is a famous surf spot in California where it’s said that Jack O’Neill invented the wetsuit. It's called Steamer Lane because he and some friends hired steamships to go back and forth creating waves for them. It was extremely cold that day so I was pretty thankful for ol’ Jack. By the end of the session my hands and feet were numb with cold, but it was so much fun and I was so happy! I walked past another surfer who commented on my huge grin, “Must have been epic!” I was feeling it deeply. Full of smiles and feeling the radiance of the ocean within (but also shivering), we took up Mindy’s friends offer to use his hot tub to thaw out.
Armed with pizza in hand we showed up to his house. He was running an errand but said his roommate was home. Sri Mindy and I walked up to the door and his roommate let us in. He graciously made us drinks and got us settled. About 30 minutes into our visit we realized we were at the wrong house! Her friend lived a few doors down! Turns out though, they’re very close friends. We laughed and apologized, but commended his grand hospitality for not batting an eye. Pretty soon the friend we had planned to meet came over with some neighbors and we found ourselves in the company of beautiful, warm welcoming souls. I mentioned to Sri Min that it felt like we have known these people our whole lives and she agreed.
I had found the perfect parking spot right next to the house on a side street in this little beach bungalow of a town. It was just one block from the surf we planned to hit up the next day. He offered to leave his door open for us and made us welcome. The next morning, I rolled open the van door to a smiling group of people sitting around the patio having coffee. He, (we will call him “Charlie”) had gone out and gotten us all breakfast, made us coffee and opened a bottle of champagne. Turns out his home is the hang out for all the neighbors on the street and the surfers that pass through. Probably another reason why our showing up was no big thing. As I am writing this, a random surfer just came into the yard to use his outdoor shower. It’s such a lovely, open sense of community. He is such a selfless being and has lovingly, without missing a beat, taken us all in as family.
During my travels I have met many people, both old friends and new souls from different careers, backgrounds, demographics and viewpoints. I have tried to keep my heart open to all of them amidst my mental and emotional dissection of where I have come from, what I have been through and where I plan to go. Meeting Charlie has been a solid reminder of what it means to love with an openness of heart and without wanting something in return. I truly appreciate this during a time when I am ruminating about love with boundaries and questioning so much. I can’t help but feel that we walked into the wrong place at exactly the right time. Through meeting Charlie, I have now connected to an amazing group of independent, free women who also love to surf. Five of us loaded up for “Birdie’s” first group outing and headed to Monterey for a hike at Point Lobos State National Preserve followed by a long dinner full of laughter that filled my heart to the brim. There is nothing like some solid girl comraderie to make you feel right again.
14 months ago, amidst the ending of my relationship, I began using the mantra, “Do not cling or push away.” In the depths of stepping back into single life and navigating my way into a new life, I didn’t want to miss out on opportunities either in business or love because my aversion was driven by fear. In the same step, I didn’t want my current suffering to drive me towards grasping at pleasure that would be fleeting or unfounded even if temporarily beneficial in some way. It is an extremely delicate balance to tackle and one that requires a lot of self love and awareness.
I recently had an encounter with someone who slightly and temporarily shook some of the foundations of who I think I am for what their interpretation of me might mean. I found myself questioning parts of myself, them and my past. It wasn't a bad experience, but maybe a surprising one. Founded or unfounded, I try to remain open to learning about myself and I am always striving to become a better human. I believe there are lessons to be learned everywhere, in light and dark. However, it brought me a twinge of pain and I have had to check myself on self love once again while I process some things. Being welcomed into Charlie’s home and neighborhood by these people of Santa Cruz, could not have come at a more crucial time. In creating myself, I hope to aspire to Charlies way of welcoming others in, while maintaining boundaries. What are we so afraid of?
Human connection is an integral part of our lives. Like it or not, we are a social group, fundamentally fueled by one another. We can lift each other up or bring each other down. So, opening our hearts to another human being can be scary. We all have insecurities and a past that takes time to mindfully understand. It takes time to reveal who it has made us and how we respond to others. Often, we may not fully realize these dynamics ourselves let alone risk sharing it with someone else in case they judge us while we are still discovering ourselves. We are who we are and being that alongside fellow humans often makes us feel vulnerable. But, that is ok. We’re not going to spontaneously combust if we share a part of ourselves or if we open up to one another. We need to be as patient with ourselves as we would another human being. The best way to love and understand one another (including ourselves) is through perspective and perspective is hard work. It requires compassion, awareness and patience. It demands that we put our hurt ego on hold long enough to try and imagine what the other was thinking and feeling before we react out of anger or allow the suffering to take control of our minds, lives and decisions. Sometimes we meet people who make us feel bad or doubt ourselves and it is important to keep your mind in check ahead of your impulse. Perhaps, that persons opinion of you is fueled by their own pain that they do not fully understand yet either. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you but instead their own pain and projection. Compassion is required here too.
The 15th Century Indian Saint Kabir said, “Do what you do with a person, but never put them out of your heart.” Through loss or separation of relationships either due to conflict or natural course, I have always felt that to really love someone is to love them in spite of change or conflict and that even if they move out of your life, you can hold a place for them in your heart. What a shame it has always seemed to me, to spend time with someone, know them, love them and feel connected to them only to disregard all of those feelings when the inevitable passing of time presents change. There was once a time when that relationship captivated your heart. That is the presence that should be remembered and honored as we move on. We tend to want to cut all ties or completely force one another out when we are hurt or if things don’t go as we planned in order to protect ourselves. But what if there is another way? What if there is a way to love fully without fear of losing or maintaining our boundaries?
